


She Doesn't Stop

by petitnuage



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Kinloch Hold (Dragon Age), The Harrowing (Dragon Age), jowan's betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 13:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20908499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitnuage/pseuds/petitnuage
Summary: Alexis thinks that doing everyone's chores and taking their punishments is going to make everyone like her. Make her feel like she belongs. Even when the other apprentices whisper, glaring at her, mocking her, she doesn't stop. She hears the remarks, but she doesnt stop.





	She Doesn't Stop

Alexis thinks that doing everyone's chores and taking their punishments is going to make everyone like her. Make her feel like she belongs. Even when the other apprentices whisper, glaring at her, mocking her, she does not stop. She hears the remarks, but she does not stop.

_ Look at how stupid she looks. Isn’t she tired of always smiling, or is her face stuck like that ? _

She does not stop, she wants to please everyone.

Even after spending a week in a cold cell, for something she did not do, she does not stop. She comes back each time, and her smile is even bigger than before. She thinks she does not smile big enough, this is why they do not like her. But they are happy when she is on her knees, cleaning the floor for them. And somehow that is enough for her, even if her legs and her knuckles hurt.

Greagoir and Irving both know why she does that, and they do not punish her anymore, even when she is almost pleading for it. Even when she almost says _ they won’t think I m doing enough for them _. The first enchanter tried to talk to her, but she does not stop. If Jowan and Vamael cannot change her mind, he surely won’t be able to do it neither.

She is 21 when a templar wakes her up to take her to the harrowing chamber. She is scared and dizzy, but she does not have time to say a word because the templar forces her to take a step, then another by pushing her firmly. Her feet are cold against the stone and the tower looks scarier during that time of the night. 

When she finally steps in the harrowing chamber, Irving greets her by placing a warm hand on her shoulder and by smiling warmly at her. Greagoir is not as caring as him, and she feels bad when the new templar recruit, Cullen, does not even look at her, because he was so kind to her the day before. She knows why she is here, she is not prepared to go through her harrowing, but she does not have a choice, because they decided she was.

The next time she wakes up, she is in her bed, and Jowan is at her side. He looks worried and she cannot bring herself to tell him she is fine. 

She quickly gets up, because the first enchanter wants to see her and she does not want to make him wait. She squeezes Jowan's hand, to thank him. 

On her way to Irving's study, she sees Cullen. He looks tired, and for a moment she thinks she might just walk by him and pretends she did not see him, as to not bother him, but he calls her name when he notices her and he looks happier. She smiles at him. She forgot to smile a lot lately, but Cullen is so kind, she knows he won’t get angry at her for not smiling. 

It feels good to talk to him, as if they were friends, even when he tells her nervously his duty was to strike her if her harrowing went bad. He looks surprised, uncomfortable when she tells him it would have been an honor to be killed by such a dedicated friend. 

She doesn’t have any more time to talk though, and she quickly makes her way to Irving's study but she doesn’t dare announcing her presence because the knight commander is arguing with the first enchanter. His voice is loud and his words are incoherent. Alexis was never very comfortable around the knight commander. But a third man tells them she is there, and they all calm down. Even her. he never saw him, and she can tell he's no mage, nor templar. The lyrium doesn’t sing in his blood. She doesn’t know why he’s here, but she realizes his presence might be the reason Greagoir is so execrable. Or more than usual, at least. 

Irving beckons her to come closer. She flinches when Greagoir closes the door by slamming it and Irving is quick to recenter her attention on the reason he called for her. It feels right when he calls her an enchanter. Happiness blooms in her and she can’t help but smile. The unknown man congratulates her too. She feels validated, it feels good, it feels right. 

The man, Duncan, is a grey warden and while she did hear about the legends, she knows little to nothing of the wardens of today.

" Duncan is looking for new recruits… i decided that Vamael would be a good addition to the wardens, but Greagoir doesn’t agree. I called Vamael too, for he is leaving soon. I know you two are close, i thought you might want to see him one last time. "

Alexis should be happy for Vamael. He always dreamt of leaving the circle. But it would mean losing her best friend and the realization almost brings tears to her eyes. 

The door creaks open and Vamael is here, clueless. 

Duncan and Irving tell him everything, and he is delighted. She knew he would have reacted that way but it hurts more than she thought. It hurts more when their eyes meet and his smile disappears. Vamael is handsome when he smiles, but he doesn’t do it often because the circle is cruel.

Irving sends them to take Duncan to his room. They don’t talk, because Vamael doesnt want to show his enthusiasm and Alexis doesn’t want to show how sad it makes her. 

But it’s okay, because she still has Jowan and she doesn’t hesitate a second when he asks for help, after telling her about his relationship with Lily. Rumors spread quickly in the circle, and now Irving and Greagoir both agreed to make him tranquil. She will help him, because that’s what friends do, and they are friends.

Or at least, that’s what she thought. Because the rumors were in fact very true. Jowan lied to her and managed to get away using blood magic. Vamael was about to leave the circle forever. And now, she was all alone. She doesn’t care about the punishment Greagoir wants to give her for helping a blood mage, because loneliness is the worst sanction.

Everyone is surprised when Duncan decides to step in to recruit her too. Greagoir protests, again and Duncan is quick to use the right of conscription. She was going to be a warden. She was going to stay by vamael's side. She almost cries but she manages to pull herself together.

They leave when the sun sets and it’s the first time she’s stepping out of the tower since she joined when she was 6. It’s a beautiful sight and she takes a deep breath before sitting in the boat that takes them across lake Calenhad. Duncan tells them about the Blight, but he is very secretive when they ask more questions. He tells them they’re going to Ostagar to fight alongside the King and that it’s going to take them a few days before they reach it.

Alexis can’t walk anymore. She uses her stuff to help herself, as well as the little magic she has left to heal her bleeding feet. Her legs are sore and she sobs when she falls down on her knees. She is a burden, she shouldn’t have left the circle. She can’t bring herself to do more than sighing sadly. But she ends up crying her heart out when Duncan carries her on his back. And she doesn’t stop crying.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated, as always !
> 
> you can find me on twitter @driftawway


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